The Tale Of The Bourbon Fairy

        Once again, I have been dicked over by my lovely bitch
of a boss... THe Saturday of Cyberfest pi, I will be slaving
away until 4 pm, fighting off rednecks and the other wastes of
life that show up at Sears on a Saturday afternoon... (Sorry if
I had offended anyone in particular...) =-)
        Point: Can we set up a place to meet up sometime in the
afternoon (perferrably at 4:01 so I can get loaded out of my
mind as quickly as possible) for those of us who can't, for
instance, go tubing?  Any efforts to plan a place and time
would be greatly appreciated by yours truly and other slaves to
minimum wage.
        Danke.

                --Jen

Sorry to quote so extensively, but...

THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB, FOR A BOURBON FAIRY!!!!

<The department store is full on a Saturday afternoon as white trash and other bottom scrapers wallow in their own lower class force fed corporate ideal of American values. The camera pans in a circle, showing the cheap, imported clothes from Central America, the electronics from Japan, the washers and dryers from Mexico, and the tired, hapless employees, many of them lifetime minimum wage earners but the occasional well-meaning, yet poor college student. The camera focuses in one such student, a petit woman with long blonde hair, standing at a register, listening to a grossly obese woman with greasy dark hair and a homemade Harley Davidson shirt on, talk about why she wants to return this video game.>

REDNECK WOMAN:
I dunna like this video game. It's too gross.

JEN:
That's the advertised features! Why did you buy it then?!

REDNECK WOMAN:
I dunna like this video game. Are you calling me stupid? 'Cause I dunna like this video game.

JEN (eyes blazing red):
I can't take this shit any longer! God, why have you forsaken me in this festering shithole of lower class America! Calgon, something, TAKE ME AWAY!!!

<The scene freezes as if someone had hit "pause" yet Jen is still looking around. She quickly grows very confused.>

JEN:
What the hell?! Feh!

<Suddenly, in a blaze of silvery sparks, a thin man clad in aluminum foil-like spandex, with little insect-like wings on the back, an orange vest, an orange squeeze bottle in hand, and two smaller ones strapped into one of those things on your head that lets you drink hands-free, well anyway, the guy streaks in, lines of speed fading from behind him, sparks flying everywhere. He triumphantly sticks out his arm holding the squeeze bottle.>

BOURBON FAIRY (in a deep, full voice, kinda like the tick):
Here. Drink this. It'll all be better soon.

JEN (astonished):
Is it really you?

BOURBON FAIRY:
Whenever Pep Banders are in trouble, whenever there is a serious lack of fun and excitement, whereever you find serious sober boring shit going on that you are about to go insane from, you will find me, THE BOURBON FAIRY! and my trusty UVA squeeze bottle, filled with the elixir of any 'Hoos life.

JEN (elated):
Can it be?!

BOURBON FAIRY:
Yes. It is the sweetest of concoctions, Bourbon and coke! As Mr. Jefferson himself would have done had he been alive when there was coke! Well, as long as he would've had the idea for it, and could have found the coke machine at the same time he had the bourbon, and got the wacky idea, hey, why don't I mix these things, and assuming he wasn't out growing tobacco or designing cool things or digging up shit or fucking slaves or...

JEN (cutting him off):
Oh thank you Bourbon Fairy! I shall treasure it until 4:00, when I get off work and I can consume this extremely quickly and get nice and hoozed and hobnob with people from other institutions, mental not excepted!

BOURBON FAIRY:
Just doing my duty, little lady. Aw river.

<The Bourbon Fairy gives Jen a light tap to the chin with his fist, as if, "Cheer up, bucko", then streaks off stage in a shower of sparks (and a thin mist of bourbon and coke). Jen is left standing, dazed, squeeze bottle in hand, as time is restored.>

REDNECK WOMAN:
I dunna like this video game. It's gross.

JEN (taking long swig):
Blow me, sheepfucker.

<The Boss From Hell comes storming on stage from stage right, quickly turning red. Flames can be seen, ever so slightly, rising from her form, and if you look carefully, she was little horns on her head.>

BOSS:
What the hades are you doing, you pathetic student work for peanuts slacker?! Get to work!

JEN:
Shaddup. I'm drinking here.

BOSS:
You're drinking somewhere else now! You're fired! Take this <makes quote gestures with fingers> squeeze bottle and get the HELL OUTTA HERE!

<Camera zooms in on Jen's face. She smiles.>

JEN:
Yes!!!!!

<Takes a long pull from the squeeze bottle. Fade to black. Then, in white letters, as narrated by James Earl Jones, and fading to the back like the beginning of Star Wars>

JONES & LETTERING:
Let us not forget the motto of this story, boys, girls, and even Rev. Trashcan Man. Bourbon and coke is good. Work is bad. The Bourbon Fairy is good. Bosses are bad. Drinking at work is bad, which is why you drink so much AFTER work.

<The letters fade off and away.>

THE END.

--
SeanMike
who should be working.:)
--