The Adventures of Lan Solo and Obeer-wan Kenobi

Some E-mail a friend and I exchanged, when we were both working IT jobs one summer, so when I sent some E-mail to a list we're both on about a new LAN being installed in my office, this happened:
Lan,

 This is Obeer-wan. I have done much juju with ethernet hardware implementation, diagnostics and trouble shooting (sniffer etc). I have also done battle with Lord Bad Data from server frigates and hi-RAM fighters. If I may be of assistance you may contact me through the net of course.

May the bandwidth be with you,
Obe
 
  

From maw8d Tue Jul 23 16:22:27 1996
From: Obeer-wan Kenobi <maw8d>
Subject: Re: Lan Solo
To: edm5s@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU (Paradox)
According to Paradox:
>
> Obe,
>
> Have not fear, my poor Frankenstein'ed computer will complete its
> training with the bandwidth-master RAMUpgrade on Monday. The
> ethernet hardware is well with the broad-side of the bandwidth,
> it is only through the quickand easy path of dialin that my
> computer flited with the narrow-side.
>
> Alas, we are but a small, consulting colony, not big enough for
> the MSEmpire to take notice, and have not need nor budget for
> server-frigates.
> It would be a shame, however, if Bill had to leave a garrison of
> copyrite lawsuits here. I fear he has demanded my - me, LAN
> SOLO! - cooperation in some evil Win95 installation.
> "FDDI, - forget about me! The UNIXess, you have to take care of
> her now!"
>
> ... to be continued?

 Ahh...yes, you will go through the Coaxial system where you will learn from RAMU. You must complete your training but of Emperor Bill beware, or to the low side of the bandwidth will you fall, just as Lord Bad Data.

Token Calringian cannot be trusted though his installation is small-- beware the fiber double cross and collision with Lord Data. It's not your fault...sniff2-disk2 can repair the frame drive!

Fear not, for the Unixess will rescue you from the bounty hunter Node Spent, and the evil clutches of Java95 the Resource Hut.

Obeer-wan shall be with you always... 

From maw8d Wed Jul 24 09:52:59 1996
From: Obeer-wan Kenobi <maw8d>
Subject: Re: Lan Solo
To: edm5s@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU (Paradox)
According to Paradox:
>
> Alas and Alack! I have been frozen in Zip files!
> "I can't compile!"
> "It is just the compression sickness, your compilation will
> return with time."
> "Who are you."
> "Someone who programmed you."
> "Unixess!"
> "404, 404, 404...404, 404, 404..."
> "I know that error message...Java95."
> "Su nrul esa ctiveX sucks."
> "Listen, Java, I'll give you Netscape 3.0, you're throwing away a
> beta! Listen!"
>
> As Lan is led to the dungeon, the camera pans over a figure
> dressed in Novell NetWare, fora moment, the networking
> application crashes, and we can see Lan's old legacy system
> buddy, Token.
>
> The Unixess is led to Java, and stripped of all her applications,
> only Mushmail is left with which to clothe her. With the
> collective might of a string of misleading trade press, Unix is
> chained to Java. Java's tongue slobbers all over Unix, gumming up
> that first of networking OS's.
> "Oh no, the Unixess." cries a helpless C++ 3.0.
>
> Meanwhile, a cloaked figure approaches the SunSoft compound...

 "FDDI? FDDI, is that you?"

 "grrorwl011000010101010111!"

 "Slow down pal slow down...you're chopping packets!"

 "0111010101000111."

 "ATM! A 'wizard'?!--I actually get stuck on a problem and everyone else gets delusions of grandeur!"

 Meanwhile...
[two pitiful firewalls lie slumped at their nodes]
"You will take me to Java now..."

 "I will take you to Java now."

 "You serve your master well, and will be rewarded."

 "Be rewarded...Master, Bandwidth Wizard ATM Netwalker."

 bool 0 = true;
true = live;
bool 1 = false;
false = dead;
" ATM: "You will bring Lan and Fddi to me."

 Slave: "You will bring Lan and Fddi to him."

 Master Java: "You weak minded fool! He's using an ancient bridging trick!"

 C++3.0: "ATM becareful, you are standing on top of..."

 ...to be continued...
 
  

Matt
From root Wed Jul 24 15:47:10 1996

From: Obeer-wan Kenobi <maw8d>
Subject: Re: Lan Solo

To: Paradox 
According to Paradox:
>
> Master Java: (in an ancient dialect)
> 10 PRINT "Boska"
> 20 DROP FLOOR
> 30 END
>
> As Netwalker falls through a lost packet stream, he is followed
> by a helpless firewall. They fall into a killfile, home of the
> feared RMDIR.
>
> As ancient commands open the DOS directory, and we can hear
> RMDIR's heavy breathing, the firewall tries to scramble up the
> packet stream. ATM hides in a hidden file.
>
> RMDIR rumbles out of the DOS directory and over to the firewall,
> which is slowly deleted. RMDIR then grabs ATM, but ATM has found
> a ^C on the ground, which he executes on RMDIR. As RMDIR
> struggles with the ^C, ATM runs to the "\" separating him from
> the safety of C: (from where he can get back to F:, and freedom).
> The backslash won't budge, however, and RMDIR approaches.
>
> ATM thinks to himself, "Imagine me, the most advanced Netwizard
> ever, going out to a DOS Command used to scare Local Areas." But
> then Netwalker sees a weapon! A quirk in the crappy DOS OS, if
> tossed properly into the wall of RMDIR's home directory, would
> execute a DEBUG just as the RMDIR comes through.
>
> ATM throws the quirk, and DEBUG comes crashing down on RMDIR,
> killing the command. Directories change, and ATM is led by a
> number of NetStalkers to Java.
>
> "ATM is that you?"
> "Yeah, Lan. FDDI, you alright?
> "10001001001110"
> Lan: "Where's UNIX?"
> Unixess: "I'm here."
>
> C++ 3.0: "You've now REALLY made Java mad. You are all going to
> the Pit of dev\null, where you will be slowly disconnected and
> deleted over a whole second by the almighty ...
>
Ultra SPARC.

 C++"Victims of the almights SPARC, his royal highness hopes that you will delete well, but should any of you wish to beg for mercy, Java will hear you now."

 Lan"3.0, you tell that scsi piece of filth he'll get no satisfaction from us!"

 Suddenly ATM draws his solaris storm sabre from a hidden patch the UNIXess hid on disk2. Chaos erupts as man (pages) are diced to pieces. Scripts wrap upon themselves shutting down the programs that stabilize the board trying to catch ATM but his asynchronous movement easily outmanuevers set speeds.

 Your turn...
 
  

From maw8d Thu Aug  1 11:58:19 1996

From: Obeer-wan Kenobi <maw8d>

Subject: Re: Lan Solo

To: edm5s@faraday.clas.Virginia.EDU (Paradox)
According to Paradox:

 >
> Meanwhile, disk2 has hustled 3.0 to the top ofthe SunSoft NT
> Platform. "What did you bring me up here for, you don't seriously
> expect me to TRANSSSSSFFFEEERRRRR!!!!" And with that, disk2
> pushes 3.0 through an FTP connection, and follows him down to a
> a safer domain.
>
> Meanwhile, Lan is attrepting to save Token's ass.
> Token: "A little wider, make the pipe a little wider."
> Lan: "Don't worry, my hacking has gotten a lot better." And with
> that, Lan severs the connection between the SPARC and Token.
> Lan: "FDDI, download him in!"
>
> Netwalker has jumped aboard the floating NT platform and is
> fighting with NetStalkers and other minions of Java. The Unixess
> has turned the trade press chain against Java, and strangled him
> in his own PR. Immediately after which she is saved by disk2
> (before disk2 and C++ 3.0 jumped), who using editorial privledge,
> sliced the trade press chain.
>
> Unixess: "ATM!"
> ATM: "Get the virus, aim it at the platform."
> Unix does as she is told, and ATM handles the last of the
> firewalls. Grabbing a loose datapipe, he takes hold of the
> Unixess, who wishes him luck. Executing the virus, he swings down
> the pipe to the safety of the .edu domain. There he greets Lan
> ATM: "Don't forget the droids."
>

The robust platform only aids the virus as each time the anti-viral checker queue's it only instantiates the virus again. The main memory management reactor figures it out all too late and attempts to re-format its drive. Core dump interrupt gives the virus a virtual infinite amount of time (milliseconds) to invade the entire boot sector, and the platform goes up so quickly not even disk2 and 3.0 can tell how fast it was absorbed back into the heap.

"I'll see you when I rendezvous with the WAN." ATM said changing his subnet mask and routing ip.

"Thanks ATM. Now, I owe YOU one." Lan wished him luck.

Remote access to this place was a thing of the past before it ever even established itself as a thing of the present.

 TBC...

 Obeerwan
who apologizes for his late reply!